Have you ever worked for a leader who justified poor communication or alienating behavior with a “this is just who I am” attitude? I have, and it was a frustrating experience that severely limited our team’s productivity and results.
Many leaders underestimate how much leadership communication accountability shapes trust, engagement, and results.
More recently, as an executive coach, I have worked with leaders who were clinging to ineffective behaviors as part of their identity. Fortunately, most stop clinging to that identity once they recognize the damage it is doing to themselves and their teams.
Real Client Example
This is a story about Carrie. (Name changed, of course, and shared with permission.)
Carrie is intelligent, experienced, knowledgeable, and decisive. When we met, she also had habits of communicating harshly, guarding information, and resisting collaborative discussions. She entered coaching voluntarily but had received a clear message from her boss: improve or move on.
When we started, her 360 leadership assessment painted a clear picture:
- Interaction with peers was limited.
- Cross-functional partners were excluding her from decisions.
- Meetings with her team lacked meaning and substance.
- She treated information like a scarce commodity, sharing little with anyone.
Carrie’s communication style had damaged her credibility and viability as an organizational leader. She knew it, but wasn’t quite ready to accept responsibility.
During our early sessions Carrie defended her behavior and placed accountability for how her peers and team experienced her on their “weak constitutions”.
- “I don’t have time to coddle anyone.” She believed adopting a coaching or mentoring style versus dictatorial one was a waste of time.
- “I already know the right path and pitfalls. They need to accept what I tell them.” She shut-down ideas and differing opinions because she believed she already had the answers.
- “I stay professional. I don’t need to know how people feel or what happens outside of work.” She chose to remain disconnected, not even knowing whether her team members had children or were married.
- “But that was never my intention.” She truly did not intend to belittle, hurt feelings, devalue others, but that was the result.
For years, Carrie had rationalized her dysfunctional communication style, and accompanying behaviors, without considering their impact. Nor had she considered her unrealized power to elevate everyone around her.
With simple, intentional changes, everything – including her own work experience – could shift.
Despite her early resistance, Carrie agreed to observe how others responded to her style and experimented with different behaviors.
By midway through our initial contract, Carrie’s shift was palpable – even on TEAMS.
She was lighter. She shared stories with a smile and made stronger eye contact.
Carrie described how much easier her days felt when she listened and asked questions instead of dismissing ideas or issuing orders.
To her delight, she was invited her back into a regular cross-functional meeting, and her team demonstrated far more capability than she had assumed they had.
After a couple of months of observing, practicing, acknowledging, and repeating, Carrie said:
“I get it. My attitude and how I communicate are my choice. I thought they were fixed, but they’re malleable. I can be a curmudgeon, or I can be part of the team. Either way, I choose and I live with the consequences or rewards.”
What Changed?
First, Carrie developed evidence that communicating and behaving differently would benefit her. Once she paid attention to how others experienced her – and how small adjustments improved outcomes – she had the proof she needed to put in the effort required to change.
She practiced listening more and collaborating willingly. She started being more curious and less directive. Soon, it wasn’t just everyone else’s experience that improved, Carrie’s perception of others changed, too.
We laughed when she said “It’s like everyone started taking smart pills or something! Most of the people I work with are far brighter than they used to be.”
Leadership Communication Accountability is a Choice
When leaders recognize their communication creates friction but avoid leadership communication accountability, they are making a choice – whether they recognize it or not. Like Carrie, many justify that choice by viewing it as out of their control.
The best leaders, also like Carrie, choose differently. They break free from ineffective patterns and develop new behaviors.
Old habits feel permanent because we have practiced them so long, cut research proves we CAN change.
Harvard Health is one source of many that describes the neuroplasticity of our brains. This neuroplasticity ensures our ability to learn and adapt through repeated experience.
Change requires:
- Acknowledgement of the need.
- Connection to the benefit.
- Consistent effort. (Observe, learn, practice, repeat.)
With all three in place, even the most seasoned can change.
Tips for Choosing Accountability Over Justification
Wondering if it might be time for you to make some communication style adjustments?
Start by listening to yourself. If you catch yourself justifying, you’ve probably got your answer.
Notice patterns of avoidance or guarded engagement. Both signal your impact.
Observe your reactions under pressure. Habits surface when stakes rise. Interrupting, dismissing, being overly directive, or reacting with obvious frustration highlight opportunities for adjustment.
Ask one courageous question: What was it like to be on the receiving end of me in that moment? Then, accept the answer as true. (It may take a few tries over time for team members and peers to trust you really want to know.)
Choosing to make small adjustments in tone, timing, and response patterns will help you build stronger relationships, deepen trust, and expand your influence more quickly than you might expect.
The Wrap
As leaders, we are responsible for understanding how our communication and demeanor affect others. Once we see evidence a change is warranted, we face a choice: remain attached to ineffective habits or learn to operate differently.
Accountability for that choice is yours alone. Don’t let some false identity story limit the leader you can become.
With consistency, new and improved habits become “just who you are.” ✌🏼
If you or someone on your team would benefit from developing more effective habits, contact us today!