Ever work with a difficult peer? The kind of coworker who, no matter what you do, is never on the same page and seems to actively work against you at every turn? They always seem to have inflated credibility too, right?
It’s human nature to try to avoid, diminish, or even counter-attack people we find hard to work with, but any of those tactics can discredit us more than change or silence them.
I’ve learned, through personal and client experiences, taking the high road and leaning into curiosity is always the more strategic path.
True Story
Not long ago one of my executive coaching clients was at his wit’s end with a peer. He believed his peer was intentionally trying to damage his credibility and undermine his authority. Outside the presence of their boss, he was harsh and confrontational but smiled like the Cheshire cat and sang “kumbaya” in leadership meetings.
When I learned about him, my client’s frustration had grown to the point he was taking polls on how others viewed this peer, keeping track of perceived indiscretions, and even “tattling” to his boss about him.
My client fell silent when I said “So, essentially, you are doing to him what you fear he’s doing to you.” Of course, he hadn’t considered that what felt like defensive moves would be considered offensive from the other side.
Equally troubling, bosses tire quickly of direct reports who tattle to them, rather than figuring out how to handle issues effectively. Likewise, peers lose trust as “if he talks this way about (fill in blank), what is he saying about me?”
Once his silence broke, we invested the next hour in talking through the possibility my client’s interpretation of this behavior was wrong. What else could be possible? Rather than playing the victim, what could he do to improve the relationship and undo any damage he may have already caused himself?
Curiosity Wins the Day with Difficult Peers
Stephen R. Covey said it well when he suggested we “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
The next day, my client started using curiosity as a tool. Rather than defaulting to suspicion or defensiveness, he began viewing this peer as a puzzle to solve. Instead of tracking offenses, he looked for patterns.
Through his three-week curiosity tour, my client looked for answers to these questions with every interaction:
- What common threads connected his peer’s “bad” behavior?
- What had he (my client) been overlooking about this peer’s experience, history, and internal relationships, that might help him understand his peer’s perspectives?
- What are the admirable and valuable traits of this peer?
As he observed, he also took a step back with his own behavior. It was important, as he tried to solve this puzzle, for my client to maintain a neutral mind rather than jump to assigning blame or looking for proof or validation.
My client committed to experimenting with slowing down and taking a deep breath when he felt a strong reaction bubbling up. “What assumptions am I making right now?” was the question he used to keep his brain in curiosity mode.
As is often the case, it didn’t take long for my client to identify patterns.
His peer was quick to attack on issues that intersected with his division; when he was not consulted on things he was well-known for his expertise in; and when he was informed about a new process or initiative through a subordinate.
If all three converged, it was ugly.
There Are Patterns! Now What?
Our next meeting was interesting.
My client came eager to share his data, and that he had successfully “tamed his own tongue” as he went into observation mode. Great start.
Now he had important information that could help him build an effective working relationship with his difficult team member.
The turning point came when I asked, “Now that you’ve identified these patterns, in the past, how have you contributed to creating the situations that trigger your peer?”
This question also induced a moment of silence. When he spoke, my client shared multiple ways he had created the exact scenarios that triggered his peer. Right then, he began to realize the solution may come through shifting his own behavior.
As humans, we don’t change just because someone else wants us to; we need intrinsic motivation to change. In this case, my client’s motivation was to break through the barriers with this peer. His peer’s would come in response to the changes he experienced.
Holding the mirror up and seeing where our own behavior has contributed to problems can be tough, but this level of self-awareness is needed to build strong relationships that lead to the results we’re looking for.
What Changed?
My client took ownership for things he could do to build a more open, collaborative, relationship with his peer. He held the accountability for his behavior and what he modeled for his team. Where he was previously reactive and quick to assume harshly, he maintained his curiosity and responded with intention.
Within 90 days, the dynamics between my client and his “difficult peer” changed dramatically, for the better. In turn, as they began working together more effectively, so did their divisions.
What previously felt like competition and turf protecting transformed into collaboration and joint problem solving – which led to measurable results.
- Quicker problem identification
- Shortened timelines for resolution
- Improved results for both divisions
- Bonus for both: less stress at work
The Simple (not necessarily easy) Actions That Made the Difference:
Meaningful change happens through do-able adjustments rather than sweeping overhauls. These are the five steps my client practiced until they became his habits. Even though they seem intuitive, they are overlooked in the workplace MOST of the time.
- Develop awareness. Some honest reflection and objectivity can highlight the opportunities for impactful change.
- Assess objectively. Humans are rarely random in their behavior, we have patterns. When we understand the patterns of people we work closely with (or should work closely with), we begin to see how we can be more effective with them.
- Have a conversation. Swallow your pride and schedule a 1:1. Apologize for things you’re now aware of that may have contributed, share your ideas for self-improvement, then ask for feedback on how to move forward. Talking about people never solves a problem, but talking with them can.
- Focus on common ground. Conflict resolution and problem solving begins with curiosity and ends with common goals. Identify necessary results and interdependencies – this makes collaboration and open dialogue much smarter than silos.
- Make communication the norm. Relationships require cultivation. Agree on routine topics that are important, cadence, and candor. This may be awkward at first, but it doesn’t take long to see the value in collaborative v. adversarial relationships
The Wrap
As executive leaders often are, my client was skeptical about this experiment in curiosity, candor, and humility. Fortunately (and to his surprise), the benefits were apparent almost immediately. When he changed his approach, his peer did too.
It’s been about nine months since that first discussion about his difficult peer, and that peer has since become a client too.
These hard-driving leaders get results, and they value leading with integrity. It’s that common value that has kept them true to their commitment to communicate directly, candidly, and routinely. As a result of their changes, the barriers between their divisions are gone; their respective contributions are greater; and the perceived value of each is at an all-time high – as evidenced by employee satisfaction, retention, and 360 feedback.
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If you and your leadership would benefit from breaking down barriers and developing more constructive habits, our confidential, objective, and highly experienced coaches are ready to help. Reach out today to schedule your free strategy call.
Author Karen Pelot.
