How to Avoid This Leadership Cop-Out
Ever catch yourself saying “I should…,” “We should…,” or worse, “You should…”?
When I was going through the executive coaching program at UT, I learned to notice when a client was “shoulding” versus committing to action. Hearing the “should” was part of learning to fully listen to what’s being said, as well as what’s not being said.
I learned that when we “should” – towards ourselves or someone else – we’re not tapping into intrinsic motivation, building a bridge to new insights, teaching, or giving direction. We may be dismissing, stalling, half-heartedly acknowledging, or judging, but we are not creating, deciding, or committing to action.
When we “should” it’s a signal of intent not to act and often accompanied by judgment or guilt.
Since that class, I’ve been on high alert for my own “shoulding,” and it hits me differently when it comes from others too. When I hear a “should,” an imaginary red flag shoots up, warning that something important could be avoided and/or left unclear.
“Should” vs Commitment to Action
“Should” can be part of a genuine question: “Should we?”
That “should” is aimed at eliciting a definitive response. The “should” that I’m warning you about can be confused with intention, awareness, or direction, but in truth it is none of those things.
When you say “Maybe you should…” to a direct report, you may think you’ve given specific direction, but they most likely heard a friendly suggestion to consider, or even a critique.
On the flip side, when people hear you say “I should…”, it’s easily misinterpreted as “I will”– even when you don’t have any intention of putting that “should” into action.
As a leader, clarity is your responsibility. So, hear this: “Should” is not clear.
Research published by the National Library of Medicine showed that clear communication around goals and action items significantly improves team performance. If you’re serious about building motivation, instilling accountability, and having real impact, it’s time to stop “shoulding” and start committing to action.
2-Steps: Make the Shift From “Should” to Commitment
Ready to start making this shift for yourself? Great! This isn’t difficult, but it does require awareness and intentionality.
Step 1: Reflect
When you hear a “should” consider:
- What’s this “should” about?
- Hedging due to discomfort, avoidance, or uncertainty?
- Feeling pressure, wanting to sound agreeable, or pretending to care?
- What’s needed to turn this “should” into clarity?
Whether you decide to replace the “should” with a commitment or decide you’ll let it go isn’t what’s important. This reflection is about making a decision or determining what you need to make one.
When you hear someone else “should,” help them reflect: “I picked up on a ‘should’. Is there something holding you back from committing to this one way or the other?” (You’re welcome for the insightful discussion that is likely to follow 😉).
Step 2: Reframe
Letting go of a “should” can be freeing, and committing to action shows decisiveness. If it matters, make it concrete. If it doesn’t, be clear with your “no”.
Quick side note: Being clear doesn’t equal being rude. It is better to speak your truth (with kindness) than allow miscommunication.
The reframe:
When you know what that “should” really means, simply replace it with direct language:
- Replace “I should” with “I will…” (or “I won’t.”)
- Replace “We should” with “Let’s do this!” (or “Let’s not.”)
- Replace “You should” with “Here’s what I’m asking you to do and why.”
This is not semantics.
Our words matter, especially as leaders. Communication is tricky enough; we can make it easier with clear and direct language. When our words show commitment, we and our teams are exponentially more likely to act.
Final Thought: Stop Shoulding and Start Committing to Action
“Should” may feel safe, or it may just be a habit. Either way, it keeps things vague. Vagueness creates confusion, frustration, and mistakes. Committing to action with direct communication keeps everyone on the same page, gets the things addressed that need to be, and supports goal achieving action.
So, leaders, the next time you hear “should”—whether it’s coming out of your mouth or someone else’s—pause and ask:
How can we clarify that “should”?
Let me know how it goes!
Don’t hesitate to contact us today and learn how we can help you and your leadership team end the “shoulding.”