Author: Karen Pelot, Edited by Becca Whipple
Why do conflict styles matter?
Did you know your go-to leadership conflict style could be costing you in your working relationships and results?
As a leader, the opportunity for conflict is embedded in nearly everything you do: feedback, prioritization, boundary-setting, change management, and the list goes on. Leaders who understand their personal patterns when confronted with high stress and conflict gain the advantage of being able to decide what approach might be most effective situationally. When leaders model “customized” and constructive responses to conflict, they better position themselves, and their teams, for turning conflict into opportunities.
According to a 2022 Myers-Briggs research report (source: https://www.themyersbriggs.com/en-US/Programs/Conflict-at-Work-Research ) stress leads to tensions that turn into conflict, and managers spend an average of four hours each week dealing with it. So having the ability to navigate conflict, with openness and respect for everyone’s experience, is like having a super-power for building trust and strong teams.
I recently coached a senior leader who was staying silent as a peer repeatedly talked over her, dismissed her ideas, and even took ownership of the ideas he liked! When we met, her silence had turned into resentment and was taking a toll on her confidence and credibility.
During coaching, she turned her focus from his behavior to her own. This was pivotal, as it opened the door to her accountability for the relationship dynamics.
By the end of that session, my client had a plan for a 1-1 meeting with her peer, in which she would communicate in a style she believed he would relate to – direct and candid. This was a big departure from her go-to style of dealing with conflict, which was to avoid it at all costs.
To her delight, the meeting went well, and her peer’s response was great! He not only acknowledged her feelings but agreed to work on shifting his own behavior too.
What made this so easy?
My client met her peer where he was. She considered HIS style – direct, confident, to the point – and adjusted her communication to align. Rather than being vague and hoping he’d get her message, her approach was clear, concise, and respectful.
Her peer was comfortable with her directness and not only heard her but also understood her perspective.
That’s the power of understanding conflict styles!
It enables us to choose, situationally, what style of communication will connect with the other person most effectively.
Five Leadership Conflict Styles
How can you quickly understand your own go-to conflict style AND the people around you? Simple!
We developed a proprietary Conflict Styles Assessment, rooted in the Thomas-Kilmann research and model and adapted specifically for leaders in real-world situations.
There are five primary styles, and we humans tend to have a strong “go-to” style that comes out as soon as we encounter stress and conflict.
In a nutshell, we are sharks, turtles, teddy bears, foxes, and owls. Each has distinctive characteristics, but there’s a spectrum within us. When we know ourselves and observe the styles of others, we can learn to CHOOSE our behavior in real time.
See if you can recognize your go-to style:
The Shark
Steps into conflict fast and hard, aiming to win.
Leadership Tip: Before charging in, ask: Am I leading through this or overpowering it?
The Turtle
Avoids conflict in hopes it will disappear.
Leadership Tip: Sometimes issues do work themselves out. As a leader, you need to discern when you’re applying wisdom or avoidance.
The Teddy Bear
Seeks harmony and sense of team above everything else.
Leadership Tip: Going along to get along can bring errors, confusion, and resentment.
The Fox
Negotiates and finds middle ground quickly.
Leadership Tip: You have a solution and it’s fair. If you slow down a bit, will a better one be found?
The Owl
Engages intentionally, listens deeply, and builds truly collaborative solutions.
Leadership Tip: Mind the time and energy of all involved as you work toward resolution. Not all conflict resolution warrants lengthy methodology.
Leading Beyond Your Go-To Conflict Style
Each of the five leadership conflict styles has value, and each has limitations. In fact, when one style is used regardless of the situation, it can become detrimental to your effectiveness.
As with my client example, self-awareness and adaptability are important. Her go-to conflict style is “turtle” and her peer’s is “shark”. Just like in nature, the shark’s behavior feels aggressive to a turtle, and so they retreat. But even a true turtle can draw upon their latent fox, owl, or even shark, to find satisfactory resolution.
The Wrap
This week, notice how much time you’re spending on conflict – in your head, directly with others, and in leading your team. What leadership style of conflict could you incorporate more of to successfully bring issues to a close and take back a little more of your precious time?
As you move through the week, notice:
In your own conversations: Are you defaulting to silence, control, or appeasement? None of those responses are inherently right or wrong but think about when and with whom each might be more effective.
With your team: Are you stepping in too quickly – or not quickly enough? There’s wisdom in each, but you need to know when it’s wise and when it’s harmful.
Across your organization: Are you modeling the kind of communication and conflict resolution you expect from others?
If you’d like to strengthen your leadership presence and improve your ability to turn conflict into opportunities, let’s talk. Reach out to schedule your free consultation today!
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Invitation: Assessment + FREE Group Coaching Session
Take the first step:
1. Take the Conflict Styles Assessment to uncover your go-to style under pressure.
2. Join my FREE webinar, a group coaching session designed for leaders. You’ll deepen your understanding of all five styles, learn how to collaborate effectively with each, and bring real scenarios for tailored coaching.
In this free leadership group coaching session, you’ll learn how to spend less time reacting and more time leading with intentional impact.
Save your spot here.